Tuesday, January 30, 2007
this is for myself. you pple dun have to read(:
tell me, who's heart doesn't hurt. there's meant to be obstacles in your life and you must be strong to overcome them. if you decide to run away from everything, there's nothing i can do. but you know what, running away doesn't solve anything. in your life, there's only one way, ONE WAY ROAD through your life. if you are not going to move forward, it means you are running away. and running away means running backwards. the more you run backwards into the past, the more pain you will feel. so isn't it better to move forward, overcome what is bugging you, and be more happy. come`on guy, not only you feel the heart pain. not only you wishes to run away. i wished to run away too; or rather, i even wish i could just stop at the path and never ever going forward again-and the best solution is to die. i know i can't die just like that. when it's time for you to move forward and not run away, it's now or never. it's up to you, i can't control. but please, you are making me feel so bad. maybe you could just say, it's totally none of my business, but hey, it's none of your business who i care for. i care for people on my own will. even if you don't want it, it's my choice of whether i should listen to you anot. you have friends along by your side to guide you, to share your problems with, because you have had brothers that share your woes and pains and joys. but i don't have okay... i may be laughing. but you won't know when is the time when i'm feeling so sad and hurt inside. i didn't want to show it, because no one will understand, and it's wasting saliva telling them. sometimes, i couldn't understand myself too. i want to die, yet i want to live. i want to live to make people happy, to make people smile. at least showing people that i'm happy but deep inside i'm so hurt, is a progress in moving forward, even a tiny little 1mm. it counts. at least i'm not running backwards.
if i can do it, why can't you?
is it so hard?
is it even harder than you trying your best to make me hate you?
don't try to do things that make me hate you. because i know, i won't. you meant too much. much more than what i expected, i suppose. i was shocked i even cried-foryou-last time. things may be unexpected. it's unexpected you came up with this idea of trying-to-make-me-angry thing, well, at least that's what i felt. don't make things worst. maybe your doings now is making me more obsessed to caring for you. Gosh, why don't you wake up. i know you have the rights to do everything. you have to rights to ignore me. you have the rights to ignore other people, but do u ever know how sad they will be? i know you want me to hate you or something, but ignoring me, and do all sorts of stuffs. if i don't, does that mean you will stay like that forever? are you going to run away forever like that?! fine, if you promise me you'll get better, promise me you'll be happier, i'll have nothing to say. i'll be willing to leave, just give me some time. a broken heart needs time to heal. it's been 1month, haven yours healed yet? i tried to forget everything and concentrate on studies, and even swore that i will not think about it ever again. but why? why can't i do it?! it's making my head; my brain burst. it hurts. it really does. but what can i do? i feel like shutting myself down, or rather, shutting myself inside this really really dark and small box, shutting me out from the whole world. i can't stop thinking. everything brings back memories. even if it has nothing to do with my memories, just a mere, plain, old song, makes me thinks back. and i will start to cry. it's not only you who had a broken heart. and it's not only you who had broken my heart. my heart's been pasted back again and again, ever since the 1st time it broke. i'm beginning to fear. fear a relationship. so i swear, i'm never going to get a boyfriend-forthetimebeing. i wanted to be less friendly, less sociable. OH WHY CAN'T I CONTROL. shit. bloody-shit. my heart gave way when making new friends. it broke down when i start thinking about the past. fine, since it's broken so many times, so many cracks remained, so no matter how i paste it back, the scars will still be there. and since it's such an ugly heart, then no matter how many times people break it, how many times i mended it back, it doesn't make a difference... right? oooooh, now i get it.
and there was once, you said we will remained as friends- goodfriends you said. but what now? you are making me confused. sad. depressed. end-of-the-world feel. this is NOT what a goodfriend means. this IS what a STRANGER means. fuck it.
i've got nothing much more to say. i'm going to read the dictionary next time, and profound my english. i'm going to make you all search the dictionary for the meaning. well, provided i have the time to read a dictionary...
went to evon's blog. it's kinda fun reading her blog you know... some posts are funny. reading dy's blog, u get to know what's up with her. reading different pple's blog, u get different impression. i don't even know if there's anyone reading mine. well, it doesn't matter. as long as you ppl tag, i'm happy. serious. y not i smile to give u a prove? = D
this week, there's test test and more test. oh oh oh! and it's a countdown! one more week! and viola~ my bday~ hehx. SooChing's gonna make me cake. wonder if i will go toilet =x rmb kays, it's one more week = 7 days = 168 hours = 10080 minutes = 604800 seconds ! start counting! (well, the times for hours, min and secs are not exactly zhun..)
and these days, i really felt so tired. hais...
samuel's been so cute nowadays(:
your hair is nice lahs, really. *wink.
i'm going to act as if nothing had happened.
pleasechange,youcandoit.
i will still act as if i'm happy, and smile in front of you all(:
RAWHS. i hate clipping up my hair,
you heard me, MDM PRINCIPAL?
♥ the world will turn WILD.
4:19 PM
